The Boy Who Was First!

Just a few days ago we celebrated.  We celebrated the boy who came first.


 The first time we felt the wave of emotions that flow like the tide as you discover a miracle is happening inside you- the gift of a child.  We felt so much of it during my pregnancy.  The celebration with a best friend when we both found out we were due within two days of each other. The wonder and awe that filled us as his first fluttering was felt. The fear and horror that filled our hearts as we heard words like only 30% chance of life, grapefruit sized tumor, and the worst- have you considered termination.  The absolute gratefulness that words cannot express as we heard his first cry and saw the miracle the Lord had worked in healing his little body enough to live in this world.  The fear we could not contain but with prayer as he had major surgery on Valentine's Day when he was just 13 months old.  The helplessness as he left our hands for the hands of a surgeon. The helplessness as we held him as he cried for hours as they could not get his pain contained.  But through it knowing he was held in the Greater Physician's hands.  His face at 2 years old playing peek a boo on our bed with Daddy.  Unable to contain his giggles nor could Mommy.  The memory of him at 3 years dancing in the fountains at Universal Studio's Islands of Adventure while those around him laughed with him at such expression of joy.  By four he had traveled all over the U.S. with Daddy and Mommy! 

Then life again for him changed.

In came the birth of one sister after another in quick succession.  And he became a big brother.  Conflict often with one and such patience with the other.  But love always expressed. 

He was growing into himself.  Good at just about everything he tries.  And the importance of humility and the sin of pride became things taught again and again.  Such a social creature who has more friends than the grains of sand on the beach I think at times. Yet we have to remind him that an example of righteousness is more important than causing his friends to dissolve into laughter. I watched the light on his face the day he got it with reading. The challenge in his gaze as he looks up a climbing wall and self confidently steps up. The gentleness by which he take his brother by hand or wrestles oh so carefully with his sisters and brother. The way he tilts his head as he absorbs the music he plays on the piano. Listening, internalizing its emotion, rhythm, and feel. His love of science and math and his struggle to enjoy reading. His heart for the Lord and desire to serve Him. The emotion I hear as he lifts his voice in prayer. His struggle so like his mother to prioritize. His dad's dry sense of humor, wit, and logic. We wrestle with his desire for independence already and struggle to walk the line all parents must walk between training and letting them learn through experience.

He is my first, and he holds my heart so very tight. He teaches me even as I teach him. We have had him for 10 beautiful years. And I never cease to be amazed by this blessing.

War paint on and ready for Nerf Wars!

This post more of a flow of thoughts springing forth than a true well written piece of narrative.  The images and emotions that fill my mind as I think back over the years.  And the thought that comes first, foremost, and last is "Thank you, Father, thank you. This gift is treasured.  This blessing fills my life, mind, and heart. And this gift help me give freely and fully back to you to use as you see fit."

Don't Make It Weird!!!

Around the table pencils, crayons, watercolors bring to life the creativity each child holds inside. As do all there is one who desires admiration of the work that came heart birthed. "Look at what I made!" says Fudge Brownie. Smiling with all the joy that fills most every action. The smile that lights up my heart.

But then as often happens one must account for big brothers. "Who are those people in the picture." he says. "They are Isabella, Kimberly, Izabel, Saryn, Sophie, Mikaela, and Joshua" she says confidently. Those friends she loves so dear. Big brother frowns, "Why is Joshua in your picture. There should only be girls in your picture. You can't have a boy friend." Already that protective streak surges ready to protect from harm. But my Fudge Brownie frowns furiously,  " Don't make it weird, Andrew.  Don't make it weird."

I laugh delighted with the by-play of brother and sister. The two who fight but love so fiercely. Yet other thoughts spin around my head.

Do we make it weird?
When people confuse us with actions that we don't quite understand? When one speaks, and we make more of it than we should? 
Do I make it weird? Do I attend to closely applying everything to myself? Do I dare to think it applies all to me?  Or do I live with humility understanding that in the scheme of things I matter small. Understanding that my understanding is my own. Leaving the meaning for them-  not applying my own. Do I overlook a matter looking instead into the heart? Do I dwell on the unimportant allowing the important to be swallowed up?

DO I TAKE FROM HIM? Giving my time and attention to making weird those earthly things instead of glorifying God who gives me all. My Lord who should be the center of my every thought.

Questions I must answer yes to more often than not. My mind redirects. My heart repurposes. I move back to simply resting. Simply applying God's truth instead of trying to employ my imperfect reasoning.

And I smile to myself . Yet again the Lord has taught me through those He has gifted me.

Proverbs 28:26
He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.

"She got mad and lost her head"

Oh, oh, oh, the mountains gonna blow!
Oh, oh, oh, the lava's gonna flow!
Oh, oh, oh, the ash is gonna rise!
Oh, oh, oh, there were pieces of the
mountain in your eyes, Up your nose
and down your chest! A little bit
deeper on every breath! She don't
care your point of view, now the
mountain's part of you!
RUMBLE!!!

Billy Jonas- Old St. Helen

The song plays loudly through the speakers.   The girls singing madly along in the back seat.  In the front seat all is silent.  Andrew and I both looking out separate windows.  I am pretending to concentrate on driving.  Andrew looking avidly at the "scenery"  "She don't care your point of view" my heart skips.  "Oh, oh, oh, the mountains gonna blow" the girls sing out.  The Holy Spirit moves within my heart.  He can take anything you see.  Even a fun innocent children's song to convict of us of our sin.

EARLIER-

"ANDREW, I told you to watch your brother.  Look now he is in the game pieces."  I yell.

"But, Mom, I was getting my shoes on.  That is what you told me to do." he protests.

"NO, you were not. You were looking for that ridiculous DS. Be honest. Quit shortening the truth to make yourself look better." I reply furiously.

"You are not doing anything I tell you to today.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU." I punctuate each word like a sharp knife.

"What is wrong with you." he replies defensively.

"Don't talk to me like that. I am your MOTHER. Just get in the car." I can hardly speak I am so angry. `

I stomp around getting the rest of the little's shoes, coats, etc and load them up.

Back to PRESENT

"Oh, oh, oh, the lavas gonna flow! Oh,oh,oh, the ash is gonna rise."

The words pounding into my brain as the silence from the right side of the car seems even louder. 

I rationalize to myself.  He was doing wrong.  Being disobedient, hedging the truth, speaking disrespectfully! Being almost 10 years old he should act better.  My heart stutters.  What about me! I am a grown adult woman. What kind of example did I just set?  What grace did I just show? What love and assurance of forgiveness for sin did I just demonstrate?   Was my anger a righteous anger?

BUT my reasons are righteous ones of wanting him to choose righteousness, honesty, self- control.    But did I want those things for the right reasons?  Did I want them so he would be more like Christ ...or so that my life would be easier, more comfortable, less stressful?  Had I allowed a righteous desire to become a controlling idol?  Was I honoring God by right behaviour?  If not, how could I expect him too.  My heart wept.

I slowly look at him- his set face, the too bright eyes.  "Andrew, I am so sorry! I hurt you with my words and tone. I reacted not because of righteous reasons but because you were not serving my needs.  My discipline should only be given to help you become more like Christ.  Will you forgive me?" I say hesitantly knowing of the hurt in his heart.

Slowly his hand creeps over to mine, and I enfold it close.  Two heart lighten.  Two hearts entwined.

Luke 6:42

Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye.

Eph. 4:32

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.

Agape

Personal time in the Lord in the morning is the foundation of my day.  When my day starts off secure founded on the Word the day follows more rooted in Him- less in self.  I am coming to the close of the book I have been studying these last few months- I Peter.  Chosen because I wished to companion it with Elizabeth George's Bible Study book "Putting on a Gentle and Quiet Spirit".  Lets face it here, those who know me well,   I often struggle to maintain such a spirit.


This is not to say I want to change the fact that I love to laugh, live life loudly per say.  Rather I wish to be peaceful in word, deed, countenance.  But that is not the topic of this blog.  As usual I find myself wandering off track where ever my thoughts are leading me.  :-)


 The topic is love.  What it truly means for us as Christians.  Recently I have found myself going back to a study I did on love while meditating on a passage in I Peter.  His Spirit convicting me yet again of rather my heart is showing His love the way He has commanded us to.


I Peter 1:22-2:1
²²Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:   ²³Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever.
²⁴For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away:
 ²⁵But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.
 
Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings,
 
My thoughts meander as is my way, but I will attempt to put before you the path they are taking.  So much yet to be learned.  Even more to unlearn.  However I am striving- striving with everything in me to show even the smallest speck of love to others that He has shown me-  My Christ who died on Calvary.
 
Mrs. George reminded me of this, " the fruit of the Spirit are nine qualities of life the indwelling of God the Holy Spirit produce in our lives when we are abiding in Him and walking with Him by His Spirit.  And what is the FIRST (emphasis mine) quality that life in Christ should manifest in us? It's love."  And Peter brings that to light in these passages  "Seeing ye have purified your souls"  he says- we are to love.  And is not the correlation beautiful-  as Christ loved us so I am to love you.   People are afraid of love these day.  The words I Love You being used either flippantly or not used at all.  Only in a few relationships are they spoken with any depth of meaning behind them that I can tell.  And when spoken in the context of brotherly love often spoken without understanding of their true meaning.  To love with agape is to love how?  Do I know?  And if I do do I obey?
 
How am I to love-
Peter says for us to love with a "sincere love"  Hmmmm! Ok! I think I am sincere. I would say I am sincere.  But let me double check what Mr. Webster has to say about sincerity.

1 a : free of dissimulation : honest
b : free from adulteration : pure

2: marked by genuineness : true

 And Mrs. George had this to say- "This means a love that does not pretend or merely "play-act".  We are not to merely express love verbally and in gushy terms... Sincere love holds no inward grudges while pretending to love on the outside, has no ulterior motives, and wants nothing from the one loved. "

Ouch!  To say that is hard is an understatement.  To remove self so totally from anything is a battle.  A war against your very nature.  To love sincerely is not an easy thing.  It is a conscious, continual decision.  A choice if you will with every interaction.   I do this for you because I love you not for what it may bring me or in pretense.

 
I John 3:18
"My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth."

That was fun.  Can I stop now, Lord?  But no His Word continues whispering in my heart and soul -love one another with a pure heart fervently:
I have got fervent if anyone has got fervent.  I do everything with passion! 
 Or do I.  A fervent love would be pretty much limitless would it not?  Pretty much the kind of love I feel when I see a stack of chocolate chip pancakes sitting in front of me drizzled with chocolate syrup and topped with whip cream and a cherry.  A do anything kind of love! Yowzers!

John 13:34

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

And it does not end yet.   Peter goes on to say that we are to love with a pure heart .
Mrs George calls it to love heartily.  Heartily- to love from and with the heart.  Your heart is the strongest organ in your body.  It works hard at what it does pumping at least 2,500 gallons of blood throughout your body each day.  So if we are to work heartily I would say we were to work STRONGLY with everything in us.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

At this point in time I could get discouraged I guess.  After all a report card on my agape love after a heart check is a big fat F!!  But thankfully My Father is looking through a veil of blood given in love and sees a cleansed heart.  I know this.  Many times my heart checks end up exactly that.  Showing me exactly how far I have to travel.  Take strengh in the fact you are not taking this journey alone and forsaken.  This path is guided and mediated by a Father who knows the effort we each are making.  Each inch closer to becoming like Him.

 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' – Matthew 22:37-39

Our God is love. Also a God of justice but that is for another day.  As well is the continuum I did of this study about unity in the Spirit in the bond of peace!  This post has gone long enough.  Give each brother grace!
And most of all know you are loved with an everlasting love greater than one we could ever give.  He loves you and sent His Son.  A greater truth and a greater love there will never be found. Simple truth but profound.

Chasing the Wind!

The time is upon us.  You know the time!  You are thinking of the things you WOULD  do differently.  What you WILL do differently in '11!  The time of New Year RESOLUTIONS.  I know I am. I prefer to think of it though as the season of deep reflection.  A time of pure honesty before the Lord.  The season to look carefully at my actions throughout the year and how it speaks of my heart.  To give an account.  And to acknowledge before the Lord where my path has strayed.  Then to attempt to understand where He would like to see my walk with Him go forward in the year to come.   To listen to His still small voice speak His truth in my life. 

Psalm 119:26-28 

 ²⁶I have declared my ways, and thou heardest me: teach me thy statutes.
 ²⁷Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works.
 ²⁸My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according unto thy word.

Yes! My soul grows heavy within me when I "declare my ways".   It often seems so much more than I can bear.  Vain effort is what the voice of Despair and Self Indulgence would tell me.  Chasing the wind that can never be caught.  I go round and round with the same sins, the same tendency, the same leanings.  

Ecc. 1:6
The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north;
it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according
to his circuits.

Bu one can NEVER forget!  I am redeemed.  Free from all sin.  Bought from the gift of a Son.  A sacrifice given in love.   He is TRIUMPHET! He has given us the victory.

So why does each year my does my heart grow heavy as I reflect on the previous years mistakes and never reached goals. Why so many failures? . The answer is truly simple.  I am flesh on the road to sanctification. A hard road on which no victory is my own.   A progressive process- one step at a time. Slowly, painstakingly traveled over much longer than one year.  A road that will last my life long.  One with each victory made moment by moment, choice by choice. 

Hebrews 10:14
¹⁴ For by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being sanctified.

We are BEING sanctified.  A work only our Savior can do in us.  But we are also commanded to work toward sanctification.  It is a process we are to willingly, obediently partake in.

2 Corinthians 7
 ¹Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

So how do I receive comfort enough to continue each January a practice I know before starting is going to be so very painful.  Why do I pick up the pen?  Why do I make my little list of subjects then proceed to define my goals for those areas every year?  Seeing  that so many of them mimic almost exactly last years goals?

I Cor. 7:8-11
 ⁸For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.
 ⁹Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.
 ¹⁰For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
 ¹¹For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

What this beautiful epistle tells us- I am made sorry!  My own letter of fervent, prayerful introspection brings a vehement desire for repentance and change.  A fervent zeal to be what He would have me be.  And I draw strength from His Word.

Phil. 1:6
Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:

So I pick up my pen. I draw a deep breath.   And I begin again to seek change.  And choose to obediently, willingly, actively participate.  "Change me, oh Lord.  Bring about change this year- slowly, excruciatingly, but progressively mold me into your image."  I am victorious even now through your Son! I take each slow step already in triumphant celebration.